DECEMBER 2004
The Addiction, part iii
a true story
by David Chipp-Smith
The Addiction is a 3 part series looking into one man's daily struggles with the addiction of pornography and the effect that is has on every aspect of his life.
This is a true story. The names have been changed to protect his privacy.
Please note that this article may contain some very sensitive material and may offend some readers.
Over the last three months, we have looked into the life of John and the struggle that he has been going through to be free from the hold that pornography has had over his life. John has been struggling with this addiction for over half his life. It started at a young age and continued to fester and build. It started innocently enough – just a peek at a couple of pictures of naked women when he was young. It then built into the purchase of pornographic magazines and other material which lead into the internet porn and eventually into some very sick and perverted material on the internet.
John had hit a low point in his life when Sandra threatened to take the kids and leave him. John thought he had beaten the addiction when tragedy struck. Through a very tragic loss in his family, he turned back to the addiction that made him feel comfortable. You see, something that has been in his life for so long became part of his comfort zone. So much so that it took over his life. Now John wanted to beat the addiction - not just for himself, but for his family.
But he has tried this before. You see, John has had a number of accountability partners that have tried to hold his feet to the fire and tried unsuccessfully to help John through his struggle. John stated that these guys abandoned him when he needed them the most. The unfortunate thing was that it wasn’t the other guys that abandoned John, but John who abandoned them and in turn himself. He had turned to me to help him through this struggle and I made him swear to me that he would stick with it and I promised him that I would not quit on him.
I wish I could say that this story has a happy ending, but I cannot. You see, one evening as John and I were meeting at one of our weekly meetings, he seemed different. Not the happy guy that I have seen him to be. He seemed to have a great weight on his shoulders. When I pushed him for an answer, he wouldn’t give it to me – at first. After a little coaxing, John gave it up. He stated that he slipped back and that what I had to say wasn’t going to change anything. He was going to figure it out on his own. The problem with John up to this point was that he had tried and tried to go it alone and solve this problem on his own.
John gave up that night. Maybe it was the harsh truth that I had to tell him. He needed to face the truth. That he cannot do this alone. He has tried and tried and he only slipped further and further into the addiction, re-enforcing the behaviour that has gotten him to this point. With every word that I shared with him that night, he only seemed to get more and more angry. It seemed that everything I was saying to him that night just made him push back more. I left that night sad and exhausted. I was sad that John might not have hit bottom hard enough to make him want to stop. I gave him a couple of days to think about what was going on.
I called him a couple of days later and he did not take my calls. I left messages on his voice mail and they went unanswered. I then received an email from him a few days later saying that he was done. He did not want to go through with the accountability any more and he was going to kick the habit himself. He was his own man and that he did not need anyone else to keep him accountable. I have heard since that email that John has stated that I quit on him. That is unfortunate. You see, I have come to find out that John had the same cycle with me that he had with the other guys. Whenever we got too close, John pushed away. He has been afraid to open up and he wants to maintain his space. The problem is that no man is an island. You see, as iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend (Prov. 27:17). John, whether he likes to admit it or not, needs accountability. The unfortunate thing is that John knows all the tips and has the knowledge to beat this addiction, yet he doesn’t put it into practice. This is dangerous. Very dangerous. As an addict of anything, John has the classic sense of denial – that he can quit at any time.
So what has happened to John since that last meeting? I have heard that he has slipped back into his addiction and some of the things that we have worked on have not taken a hold. That is a shame. If John continues on this road, he will be holding back the true reward that God has. No man can do this alone, especially after years and years of re-enforcing his addiction. Some have asked me how I know this stuff and that it is really easy to look at this addiction through another set of eyes. But, the reason that I have been helping John, and the reason that he came to me was because of the struggle that I had with this addiction. I struggled for many years with lust and with pornography. To the point where it threatened my marriage. But I hit my low point when I had to face my wife and say that I was sorry for the pain that I put her through and I prayed to God for forgiveness for not giving my addiction up to him. It has been 8 years since I 'kick the habit' and gave it up to God. It has been a long struggle and I have had to fight the demons every step of the way, but it has been worth it. My marriage has been healed and although we have our 'bumps in the road' I have, through the mercy of God stayed sexually pure before my wife and God. So, anyone can beat this addiction. It all starts with a choice. A choice that you have to make. It will take time. Will John ever overcome his addiction? I do not know. But I continue to pray that he will eventually turn from this addiction and soon before he hits rock bottom - HARD. I pray that he will get help and soon.
Do you have a problem with pornography? Do you find yourself struggling to beat this addiction but seem to be getting no where? There is help. Find someone you can trust to help you through and to keep you accountable. But you have to be accountable and be willing to beat this no matter what. If you have a story that you would like to share, feel free to contact me at david@moderndisciplemag.com
Opinions and views are solely those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the opinions of MDM4M.